Joornal Entry 5: I'll stop the world and melt with.. with whom?

I feel uninspired. And not needed. And unhappy.

Earlier when I woke up, I asked myself, "Why do I live? Why do I wake up every friggin morning and prep myself to work? Who needs me at work? Who needs me at grad school? Who needs me at all?"

I can't find value or worth or purpose to my life.

I feel drained.

he's bored

my boiffie said he's bored. i saw his plurk around 1am today.

it struck me like lightning bigtime. i immediately asked him tru text, 'why are you bored?' and he replied 'i don't know. suddenly i feel bored'. and then i had this followup question 'with what?', and he said 'with my life'.

i said, 'that's bad. i'm part of your life.'

and really now, with the lengths that we are going, i don't think he should ever feel bored.

that's not good, right? he getting bored? i know right?

wth.

when you're older

My mom used to tell me when I was young: "You'll understand when you're older."

I am older now. But still, I don't understand. And I will be a year older again in few days. I dunno, it's never a big deal. But really, when your birthday is coming up, you tend to get really touchy.

So I'm having my birthday soon. And as I assess the days from my previous birthday, I am wondering if I have been a better person. I guess I have, I'd like to think that way.

So what has changed?

Job. I have a new job. Or maybe soon I would call this a career, it all depends on how I would perceive things on the coming months. I still want to retire early in my 30's, settle down before I get white hairs, and publish a book before I bid this world goodbye. And the easier way to do that is to get my money up - and by that I mean have 6-digit salary a month before I hit 25. Sounds like a plan - afar from realistic one. But that also means I would have to be a corporate whore first, jumping from one company to another.

Relationship with teh family. I have never been the best daughter, ever. But I'd like to think I am still better than half of other children out there, who are jobless and (or not jobless but) could only care about themselves. My relationship with my mom has improved as compared to last year's - it was not the best years of our lives together. But we're good now, at least for most of the time. I love her, I may not say this to her as often as I would want to, but yes I love her. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. I owe everything to her. And I would only want her happiness, that's why I won't hold her plans of being with the person she loves - even if that means my mom would be thousands of miles away from me.

I still haven't heard from my dad. I know, I know. It's been breaking my heart but I could only do as much. I miss him.

My friends. There's a lot of storms I wouldn't have surpassed if not for them. I may have been not too blessed with having a family of my own, but I am abundant with friends. I have friends from everywhere, though they can make a country of their own when you get them together, I only keep few people too close. There's Malen and Melai who have been there for me through the worst nightmares of my life. There's my bestfriend Mitch who - though we don't really spend too much time with each other the past years - haven't fade even a single thread. She can always make me feel loved. She deserves a separate post, really. And of course, my best buddy of all time - Louis. What could I say? He may have not been the best boyfriend before, but he is the best friend I could ever have. Thanks, dude!

Haiku 004

The stars cried tonight

And t'was the chorus of a

Heart being broken

teh boiffie

One day he's totally inlove; the other he's throwing everything out of the window.

It wasn't the kind of relationship I used to have, nor I dreamed about. Everything seems strange and unfamiliar. If I thought the most recent ex was challenging, I need to think again. I should have raised the tolerance higher with this one; or rather have lowered the expectations.

The past days were like one of the best days we had so far; we're young and so inlove, we had dreams and hopes, we were happy and all. But with just a single misdeed, everything went into a shamble; promises were broken and the relationship was compromised.

There is pain and disappointment, agony and disbelief. It's like a nightmare; dark, cold and scary. And for the first time since ages, I cried one of the most painful tears.

Competition

Competition. People have to always prove that they are good, that they are bigger than the others, that they are the epitome of earthly success. Most often than not, they would like to think that they are one of the carriers of truth and justice.

Meh. Without competition, life would be so much bore.

I am naturally competitive. But most of the time, I only compete with myself.

And as they say, every rule always has exceptions. Most of the time, when there are provoking circumstances, I will try the best to always stay passive because I know how it is when I roar. But when things are getting too much for my nerves, then I'd just be sorry, the competition has to start.

Have you had the competition of your life? I am about to have mine. : )

Tonight I can write the saddest blog post

Life is short. But love is shorter.

*And this be a copycat of Pablo Neruda's Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I hate her

I'm feeling a bit uneasy when I left the office tonight. It's the familiar pang of pain I feel when I'm jealous. I hate her and the way my boyfriend smiles at her.

When everything feels too much ...

STOP.

Feel the air.

And breathe.

There's life outside your usual boring daily life.

Go out and play.

Have fun.

Life is short.

weekend

Yesterday:

• I went to the gym and danced. My body is aching now because that was one hell of a fast hip-hop. ‘Get Your Money Up’ was my LSS for the rest of the day. The lady instructor is so pretty I really can't take my eyes off her. I swear she smiled at me. 
  
• Then I had dinner at Bigby’s Cafe in Megamall Atrium with boiffie. We both ate Uncle Sam's Roast beef, I’m telling you the serving was big enough for two persons. I ordered mango juice but when I saw the guy in the counter making mango shake, I gave the mango juice to boiffie and had mango shake instead. Heee :D
  
• After dinner, boiffie and I scouted Megamall Cyberzone in search for a SATA cable. The bestfriend bought me a SATA hdd for my Mashimaro ( yes, I named the desktop at home Mashimaro <3>
• Boiffie accompanied me to the salon to have my hair cut. Now the hair is short. And there's a little regret somewhere here. 
• We went to Gateway and stayed at Krispy Kreme. I had Hershey’s cookies and cream, he had original glazed. And smooth for both of us. We chatted the night away. And yes, we talked about politics. It was the first time we ever conversed about stuff like that. 
  
• I went home tired but happy. I had fun today. 

Today:

• Yesterday I wished today would be better. I should have wished harder.
  

This week on my Belle de Jour planner

You are not a rose in someone's garden.

You are the architect of your own landscape.

death. and. taxes.

S T A N D O N T O I L E T,
G E T H I G H O N P O T.

Suddenly, I wanna die and donate my organs, all of them. I wanna give my organs to those who need them, to those dying people who are more deserving to live than I do, to those good people who are suffering the pain of a failing body.

My heart is in good condition. I may not be keeping up with my cardio exercises but yeah I think it's good. It has been broken for several times though. There's surely someone out there who would make good use of it.

My liver is healthy. I have done a little drinking for the past two years but I assure you it wouldn't caused even a slight liver scarring.

The kidneys are fine, too. Akshully, the left kidney is. Enuff said.

I can also give away my eyes, it's -150 though. But at least, it's better than being blind, yes? Yes.

Anything left to donate? I'm a fairly healthy person, so are my organs. Take all you want.

***

You might be wondering the hell is happening to me. I just finished watching Seven Pounds. It wasn't as good as I expected it to be. But I think it was effective because the movie was able to move me to tears. Or iyakin lang talaga ako.

Meh. Movies. I hate them. They can really get to my head sometimes.

***

I sleep now before I akshully go nuts and commit suicide.

my. point. exactly.

When people do horrible things it doesn't always mean that they are horrible persons.

***

Im not persecuting you for every shortcomings. I was just trying to teach you a lesson that no one seems to have taught you before.

bs.

people like to think they're good and that what they do is good.

but it's just pure BS. because most of the time, they were just covering up for all the crap they have been doing.

mimimimimissing

I miss the boiffie. He's in a trip with teammates in CDO-Camiguin. He'll be back on Monday. Three days feels like ages. 

I so wanna hug him tight when he gets back. I am planning to come up with a surprise. But I have none on my head so far. Haha.

sadness

Im sad recently. And it's growing. Every friggin day. Which I find weird, lalo na ngayon na may bagong buhay-pagibig.

I know there's no freakin reasons to be unhappy. But I can't seem to find reasons to be happy either.

Micamyx: punta ka sa happycai.i.ph

Micamyx: magupdate ka

Micamyx: think of last saturday

Micamyx: think of the new friends you have

Micamyx: think of the happies 

Micamyx: :)

Angst. Angst ata ito. Wth.

From Plurk.http://www.plurk.com/p/gjcc2.

Cai says aww i hate this. hindi ako nagpapaka-emo pero wth anglungkot talaga pramis.

Micamyx says learn to appreciate things. baka sa kakalungkot mo dyan tinataboy mo yung happiness.

Exclamation Point

You stand on your head and you rock dangerously back and forth. 

Service call

I don't wanna concern myself with stuff I don't wanna concern myself with. I have tons of "critical" issues going on and I don't think I have the time to waste on attending requests. So what to all the uncertainties. I'm raising my middle finger in the air.

So I would say: live. love. enjoy. be happy. Time to bury negativism.

i remember

Now, I can't remember how it was waking up in fear, in pain. I can't remember the feeling of emptiness, of nothingness. I can't remember any of it. Not a single pang.

Just last week I was one little girl running around the space and time continuum, wondering what there is and hoping it's something more, something better, something happier.

Now, my memory sucks in remembering things. I can't remember him - not his face, his smile, his anger, his selfishness, his love. I can't remember anything.

And they say, the heart can only make space for one. And so I think I know why I can't remember. Maybe it's not the mind that forgets but the heart. My heart does. Sometimes.

Film, Sick. Interest.

Oh hello there, it's been a while. So what's up?

• I'm sick. Cough and colds plus sore throat.
• Shooting the whole weekend. (which deserves a separate loooooooooong post)
• Night out with Aaron. What a nice guy. We ate at Conti's and had coffee at CBTL.
  
• Swimming at Mica's place last Saturday after the shoot. o.O I think that made me more sick.
• Watched 'Yes Man' with my bestfriend.
• Excited for Baguio trip this weekend.

That's it for now. Will write more soon. :)