Joornal Entry 5: I'll stop the world and melt with.. with whom?

I feel uninspired. And not needed. And unhappy.

Earlier when I woke up, I asked myself, "Why do I live? Why do I wake up every friggin morning and prep myself to work? Who needs me at work? Who needs me at grad school? Who needs me at all?"

I can't find value or worth or purpose to my life.

I feel drained.

he's bored

my boiffie said he's bored. i saw his plurk around 1am today.

it struck me like lightning bigtime. i immediately asked him tru text, 'why are you bored?' and he replied 'i don't know. suddenly i feel bored'. and then i had this followup question 'with what?', and he said 'with my life'.

i said, 'that's bad. i'm part of your life.'

and really now, with the lengths that we are going, i don't think he should ever feel bored.

that's not good, right? he getting bored? i know right?

wth.

when you're older

My mom used to tell me when I was young: "You'll understand when you're older."

I am older now. But still, I don't understand. And I will be a year older again in few days. I dunno, it's never a big deal. But really, when your birthday is coming up, you tend to get really touchy.

So I'm having my birthday soon. And as I assess the days from my previous birthday, I am wondering if I have been a better person. I guess I have, I'd like to think that way.

So what has changed?

Job. I have a new job. Or maybe soon I would call this a career, it all depends on how I would perceive things on the coming months. I still want to retire early in my 30's, settle down before I get white hairs, and publish a book before I bid this world goodbye. And the easier way to do that is to get my money up - and by that I mean have 6-digit salary a month before I hit 25. Sounds like a plan - afar from realistic one. But that also means I would have to be a corporate whore first, jumping from one company to another.

Relationship with teh family. I have never been the best daughter, ever. But I'd like to think I am still better than half of other children out there, who are jobless and (or not jobless but) could only care about themselves. My relationship with my mom has improved as compared to last year's - it was not the best years of our lives together. But we're good now, at least for most of the time. I love her, I may not say this to her as often as I would want to, but yes I love her. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. I owe everything to her. And I would only want her happiness, that's why I won't hold her plans of being with the person she loves - even if that means my mom would be thousands of miles away from me.

I still haven't heard from my dad. I know, I know. It's been breaking my heart but I could only do as much. I miss him.

My friends. There's a lot of storms I wouldn't have surpassed if not for them. I may have been not too blessed with having a family of my own, but I am abundant with friends. I have friends from everywhere, though they can make a country of their own when you get them together, I only keep few people too close. There's Malen and Melai who have been there for me through the worst nightmares of my life. There's my bestfriend Mitch who - though we don't really spend too much time with each other the past years - haven't fade even a single thread. She can always make me feel loved. She deserves a separate post, really. And of course, my best buddy of all time - Louis. What could I say? He may have not been the best boyfriend before, but he is the best friend I could ever have. Thanks, dude!

Haiku 004

The stars cried tonight

And t'was the chorus of a

Heart being broken

teh boiffie

One day he's totally inlove; the other he's throwing everything out of the window.

It wasn't the kind of relationship I used to have, nor I dreamed about. Everything seems strange and unfamiliar. If I thought the most recent ex was challenging, I need to think again. I should have raised the tolerance higher with this one; or rather have lowered the expectations.

The past days were like one of the best days we had so far; we're young and so inlove, we had dreams and hopes, we were happy and all. But with just a single misdeed, everything went into a shamble; promises were broken and the relationship was compromised.

There is pain and disappointment, agony and disbelief. It's like a nightmare; dark, cold and scary. And for the first time since ages, I cried one of the most painful tears.

Competition

Competition. People have to always prove that they are good, that they are bigger than the others, that they are the epitome of earthly success. Most often than not, they would like to think that they are one of the carriers of truth and justice.

Meh. Without competition, life would be so much bore.

I am naturally competitive. But most of the time, I only compete with myself.

And as they say, every rule always has exceptions. Most of the time, when there are provoking circumstances, I will try the best to always stay passive because I know how it is when I roar. But when things are getting too much for my nerves, then I'd just be sorry, the competition has to start.

Have you had the competition of your life? I am about to have mine. : )

Tonight I can write the saddest blog post

Life is short. But love is shorter.

*And this be a copycat of Pablo Neruda's Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I hate her

I'm feeling a bit uneasy when I left the office tonight. It's the familiar pang of pain I feel when I'm jealous. I hate her and the way my boyfriend smiles at her.