3:00am

It's already three in the morning. I have been up all day; been wandering around like a headless chicken. I should be feeling a bit tired by now but I still have so much excess energy I'd want to use for cuddling and hugging and kissing. But I could only kiss pictures and hug pillows. That's all I have for now; pillows and pictures, a cute little bear, and of course, memories that I could only remember. Nothing really solid to hold on to, not even a brittle promise that everything will turn out well. I can't even be an optimist and be hopeful that somewhere out this crazy bumpy road is a sane intersection that would lead me to a happier place. I can't. I need to be sure and steady. Sure and steady. And it's draining all my energy. Every morning is a challenge to wake up. Everyday is a constant effort to be strong. Every night is a bad dream to endure. But I need to survive this. I need to.

I'm not really feeling any pain right now. I just want to hug out this excessive-ness. Or I'd rather say this emptiness.